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Anglican Church Admits Error; Returns to Rome


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By GRADY HENDRIX

LONDON, Mar. 31 - Ending a 440-year standoff, the Church of England admitted it was wrong and returned unharmed to the Catholic Church early yesterday morning. Henry VIII, deceased, created the Anglican Church 470 years ago in a fit of adulterous pique, and it has had no ecumenical contact with the Roman Catholic Church ever since, said Church spokesmen. But after eating a heavy supper and watching the popular Vatican cartoon, SuperPope, Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr. George Carey, was unable to sleep and found himself thinking about the church and why there were two.

In the morning he called Pope John Paul II and said he was sorry. After a brief negotiation the two pontiffs agreed to return the Anglican Church and all its members, liens, titles, chattel, and possessions, to the Mother Church in Rome and to never break up again. Vatican spokesmen claim that the Pope was so excited he almost let women into the priesthood. Arch Bishops close to the pope claim that he knew this would happen all along, he just was not sure when.

In Eingland the mood was somber as disappointed Anglicans destroyed their birth control devices and began purchasing religious icons. The episcopal sees were dissolved this morning, and a special committee of bishops was dispatched to Balmoral to explain transubstantiation to His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales. While there, they are also expected to install a small statue of the Virgin Mary on the front lawn, which will be lit with a soft blue light year round.

Thanks to Lisa Ann Guastella